The Crumpets: A neurotic doctor visits an oracle, little comfort is gained.
[the action takes place at Delphi inside the house of the Oracle. An aloof angst-ridden doctor enters through the temple doors]
- DOCTOR: Uhmm ... oracle ... this is kinda awkward ... I really need to talk to you about something.
- ORACLE: Ah relax, we are all friends here. What is it you want to ask?
- DOCTOR: I really could do with a favour ... I want you to ... ask the Gods a question for me.
- ORACLE: You do realise that if I am to ask
the Gods a question it has to be of vast importance, not just to you or
I, but of great use to the population of earth as a whole. So, what
exactly is the question?
- DOCTOR: well ... as I said it's very
important ... I was wondering whether...if you were to slice someone's
hands off, and switch em round, would a right handed person, then be
'left-handed' or would he remain right-handed? I mean sure, he's still
using the same arm but the hand on his right arm is now a LEFT HAND ...
so ... yeah ... does the side you're currently on take precedence over
the origin or what? ... this is ... ah ... so much ... it's disturbing
... perplexing ... unsettling ... I can't eat, I can't sleep, I
can’t concentrate at work ... I can’t even enjoy the plum
discos anymore. When you stop enjoying slow dancing with plums in
cardboard box suits, you really know you are no longer truly living.
- ORACLE: Life is a blessing friend. You've
only got one shot at this world, yet this manages to stop you from
functioning properly in your daily life? I advise you to get some
- DOCTOR: Ehh, I was exaggerating, this
wasn't even a real problem. C'mon, I'm a doctor, we don't let stupid
things take over our lives ... I mean ... I consider my profession
really like being an audience member at a stand up comedy show. The
patient comes in, he tells his story, or as it may be from my
perspective his 'amusing anecdote', I laugh at his problems in secret,
then give him the cure. It's great!
- ORACLE: So what exactly was the 'real' problem then Doctor?
- DOCTOR: The real problem? the real issue
that's been the bane of my existence the past few weeks? Well OK ...
I'll be frank, it's to do with crumpets...
- [Oracle leaves room]
- I can never find that perfect crumpety
nirvana. It truly is somewhat tragic. It's either too soft or too
crispy or too something just something denying me from having that
perfect crumpet experience ... but y'know I've tried to look at this
philosophically, oracle, I really have but uh, it's no use. I know we
always want what we can’t have, what we can’t have always
seems that bit more appealing and exciting. I know that ... for
whatever reason, I don't have it in me to create this perfect crumpet.
So I think OK ... maybe with a bit of work and perseverance I can make
my dream come true and get this crumpet I desire, but then ... will
this make me content? when the crumpet is gone and I'm full up ... life
will go on almost completely unchanged to how it was before. Just a few
minutes of pleasure is not enough to satisfy oneself ... happiness
which is lasting is truly a lot more meaningful to me ... but despite
all of this my mind is drawn to this crumpet ... I can’t help it
... in the same way the ducks are magnetized towards the damn bread ...
I get sucked into desiring this crumpet ... in the same way Hansel and
Gretel were drawn to that damn candy house ... I'm drawn to the...
- PRIEST: ok, ok enough already, sheesh!
- DOCTOR: hell the WHAT?
Hey, Will here! I'm a first year studying English Literature. I also
have fun making experimental music in my spare time. In this
submission, I just had fun writing about stuff that's kinda sad, but
also very ridiculous too. This is one of the few things I've ever
written, but I hope in the future to experiment, and try out some